Processing This Difficult Journey

My child’s cardiac arrest anniversary date is around the corner, how do I navigate this emotional day?

The anniversary of your child’s cardiac arrest can be joyful, stressful, or both at the same time. You may feel a rush of intense emotions that take you back to that day as if you are reliving it. You may feel a bit all over the place—grateful for survival, sad that life may have changed, obligated to recognize this milestone, quiet and reflective, numb, or anything in between. Some parents may want to celebrate it as a “re-birthday,” and others may want to focus on anything but those traumatic memories. There is no right or wrong way to mark and process this day. It means something different for everyone.

As you approach the re-birthday/anniversary date each year, you may think about these questions. We share some common questions and answers posed by parents who share their lived experiences. 

Q1: Why am I struggling with my emotions? Shouldn’t this be a day to celebrate my child’s survival? 

A: This day can be hard—especially the first anniversary with so many feelings to process. Focus on the positives and how far you have come in your journey since cardiac arrest. Some of us choose to celebrate the re-birthday in some way. But others prefer a lowkey, quiet day. Try not to feel obligated either way. 

Q2: What if one of us wants to celebrate and the other wants to let the day pass unrecognized?

A: Remember that the parents, siblings, and children experience the cardiac event very differently and may look at the anniversary very differently as well. Start with a conversation well in advance of the anniversary to share everyone’s desires or concerns. Communication is key to finding the best way to plan the day, minimize stress, and manage anxiety. 

Q3: What if this day causes anxiety for us? 

A: It is normal to feel anxiety leading up to the anniversary of a traumatic, life-changing event. These feelings may reoccur at every approaching anniversary date and never go away. But each year, we get better at managing our emotions as we mark these milestones. It can be healing to recognize the progress we have made in our survivorship journey each year.

Q4: I am stuck not knowing how to manage this day. Shouldn’t I have figured this out by now?

A: The life of a co-survivor is a long journey filled with twists and turns, ups and downs. We learn as we go and find ways to navigate each and every one. When we feel truly stuck, many of us seek help from friends, family members, doctors, and therapists. Remember that we are survivors, too. We first focus on their care and may neglect our own needs. It is okay to seek help to find our feet and live looking forward.

Navigating the aftermath of cardiac arrest: Gratitude, grief, and individual experiences

When a child or family member experiences a cardiac arrest, it is a profoundly traumatizing event that changes lives forever. The experience introduces new people—the “First Responders” or the medical workers who gave lifesaving care to our child—into our lives, who bear witness to our most personal, stressful, and desperate moments.

The role of first responders

When we lost our son to cardiac arrest, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the first responders who worked tirelessly to save him. I watched them perform compressions, provide resuscitation efforts, and do everything in their power to bring him back. Their dedication, professionalism, and humanity were evident, even as they faced the harsh reality of the situation. Their grief, care, and respect during those moments will always stay with me.

One memory that stands out is the police officer who, after stopping CPR, asked to spend a moment alone with my son, to say goodbye. This act of kindness and respect was deeply comforting and thoughtful.

A day of gratitude and celebration

Following my son’s death, I felt compelled to host a gathering at our home to celebrate and thank the first responders and healthcare workers who had tried so hard to save him. Despite the tragic outcome, it was important to me to connect with these individuals, to acknowledge their efforts, and to express my gratitude for the care they showed.

However, I realized after this event that this experience was different for my remaining children. While I found comfort in honoring those who helped us, my kids found it added to their stress during an already overwhelming time. The constant influx of people and the weight of their grief made it difficult for them to participate in such a gathering.

Recognizing different experiences: Parents/caregivers vs. children

It is crucial to recognize that the experience of losing a child to a cardiac arrest is different for parents and caregivers compared to other family members, especially siblings. What may be healing for one person might be distressing for another.

• • Parents/Caregivers: Often feel a deep need to connect with those who tried to save their child, to express gratitude, and to find some sense of closure.
  • Siblings: May experience the loss in a more internalized way, finding gatherings or expressions of gratitude overwhelming, especially in the early stages of grief.

Examples of what has helped other families

• • Private Acknowledgments: Some families find comfort in writing personal letters or cards to First Responders and healthcare workers, expressing their gratitude more privately and less overwhelmingly.
  • Memorial Events: Hosting a memorial event at a later time, when emotions are less raw, can allow families to honor both their lost loved one and those who tried to save them, without adding to the immediate stress of the loss.
  • Individualized Support: Offering options for family members to participate in or abstain from gatherings, ensuring that each person’s needs and feelings are respected.

Conclusion: Timing and sensitivity

Timing is key when deciding how and when to connect with those who were involved in the cardiac arrest event. It is helpful to make sure that those who are interested in participating are included, while also respecting the needs of those who prefer not to engage. Every family member processes grief differently, and it is important to honor those differences.

In the end, the most significant thing is to find a balance that allows for both expressions of gratitude and the personal space needed for healing.

Sources

American Psychological Association. (2011, September 1). Anxiety, sadness may increase on anniversary of a traumatic event. https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma/anniversary-traumatic-event

Seranl, D. (2011). The anniversary effect: Being mindful of your calendar can help you avoid mood swings. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-on-depression/201105/the-anniversary-effect

Thank you to our contributors

Kim Ruether, Jennifer Chap, & Debbie Medina